Frustrated

Sometimes, I just hit a wall. A big, fat, ugly wall that I have no desire to attempt to conquer. Not even a little bit.
I've mentioned before my struggles with being a senior, but this week I've really felt the weight of the stress from everything.
You can do this, but not that. This is how you should feel, and you have no sayso in the matter. Here, let me help you by shoving every one of my ideas down your throat. Feeling better? I'll make sure to overestimate your capabilities and add another helping on your already-full plate. You don't know what you're talking about, I know what you really mean.
Conversations that have these kind of influence in them make me so damn frustrated. I am not Wonder Woman; I can't do it all and be perfect. However, also do not assume that I am ignorant and not able to do anything.
And don't you dare think that, just because I am young, my outlook on life, love, or happiness is completely and utterly wrong.

A Final Report

Three weeks have gone by and I can’t say I have seen an enormous spike in my happiness. However, I do not think all was lost. There are many small things that have allowed me to focus more on being happy and to make others happy. Keeping the jar full of happy things has been my favorite part, because when I sit down to write things that have been good during the week, I can look over some of the parts that weren’t exactly in my favor. To my surprise, other people have asked to write their own note to put in the jar, which I found to be a great idea.

I also loved this week being all about gratitude. Most of the past few days I’ve been a little overwhelmed with several tests and projects going on in multiple classes, but when I took the time to write a little note to someone everyday, I loved seeing the other person react. Because I had made someone else happier, however small the act may seem, it made me happier, too. I was pleasantly surprised when I walked into math class the other day to see the note I wrote for my teacher had been taped up next to her desk. It simply just feels good to give and see it bring happiness to others.

This way of showing my appreciation for her and the other people who received notes of their own, is similar to the way Rubin spent her June, by focusing on friendships. The jar of happiness is very much like her gratitude notebook. I liked this method a little more because it also has a visual reminder about all the good things that happens to you. The less space you have in the jar, the more you’ve been able to say about good things that have happened to you.

Being grateful also ties in with Haidt’s points on adversity and Rubin’s reflection on reading memoirs of catastrophes. It becomes much easier to be grateful when you are reminded how good you’ve got it. And if something traumatic were to happen to you, knowing to grow from it and learning to be thankful for all that you have is great way to use adversity in your favor.

All in all, this week has gone more smoothly than the previous two, in terms of the (Happiness Project) Project. I’ve still been trying to write everyday and finishing homework when it needs to be, instead of procrastinating as much as I used to.

At the beginning of this project, we were asked something along the lines of what we thought was going to be the most difficult for us, and I wrote down remembering my motivations. This week especially, I was reminded by my friends and family why I need to be focusing on appreciation and happiness in general. Knowing that I’ll have these “accountabillabuddies” after this project ends is comforting.

This has been a great experiance, and I'm very glad I'll be able to use these tips and helpful methods in the time after the project has ended.

Happiness Found Poem

Pursuing happiness draws relief,

but inspiring happiness can

pack tension.

Some become paralyzed,

trying to reach harmony.

Some fear failure.

Some resist redemption.

They wish to escape

chaos, but give up

adjusting their sails

when they find the

winds have changed direction.

Finding the Bluebird

will come with failures.

Welcome them.

Failures sharpen feelings of

miraculous scenarios.

They collect memorable moments

and create an alarm

of their symptoms.

Today is the day to

support existing.

Today is a dare

to give up the wheel.

Become satisfied with the unpredictable.

Optimize possibilities.

Tackle the junk that

clutters all the room in your soul.

Polish it, and strive to

keep it beautiful.

Boost yourself and

discover dignity.

Appreciate others,

possess the capacity

to value enemies.

Live to maintain relationships and

focus on strengthening bonds.

Deposit sentimental feelings

among those whom you love.

And through any circumstance,

always hope.

It strikes out illumination

into a dark mind.

It lifts a broken heart

out of the cracks and sets it

into a joyous melody.

Week 2 Report on the (Happiness Project) Project

I can say this week went much more smoothly than last week. There were a few bumps here and there, but perfect is not in my vocabulary during this project.
I was able to read from Inkdeath and also to take time to write a little something every day. This week has successfully reminded me why I'm going to be an English Literature major in college. These are the sole two things that I just love to do. I could spend hours lying around just reading. And although I don't always have an idea in my head to write about, when I do, I can't stop. I keep going and going until I either finish my thoughts or crash right there on my keyboard.
Haidt mentioned in The Happiness Hypothesis that when people are doing something they enjoy and are good at, they become "in the zone", which is completely how I feel when I'm in a writing kind of mood. It can be hard to focus sometimes or come up with a cool idea to write about, but it's also hard to close my laptop when it's already 11:30, even though I want to keep on typing until that last paragraph is finished. Words are a finicky thing to me, because sometimes they seem to just flow and are able to connect my thoughts beautifully and seamlessly. However, at other times, it can be as if my mind is completely empty and the English language is lost on me. This can be incredibly frustrating, but as I practice writing something everyday, it becomes a little easier to think of things to say, and to also develop your own voice in writing.
I found a strong connection to myself and Rubin in the Happiness Project, especially when her focus of the month was Pursue a Passion. She took on the challenge of writing a novel in 30 days, which seemed impossible, but aparently do-able. My favorite thing she did was "forget the results", which is something I have a hard time doing. Forgetting results means to not worry about what you're writing or editing it after it's completed. I'm constantly checking and rechecking whatever I'm working on and editing my writing as I go along. This ends up with me spending more time trying to fix what I've already written than trying to write more and be happy with it the first time around. So, applying what Rubin did, this week I tried to forget results. Even though I'm putting all of this on the internet for the whole world to see, it's important to not let what others might judge affect what or how I'm writing.
This week I also kept up on getting enough sleep and finishing homework in a timely manner. The cleaning part is still a struggle, however, and I need to get it back under control before my clothes form a munity and forever overtake my bed or something.

Bedtime Stories

When I was very young, my favorite way to end the day was to snuggle deep under the covers in the middle of my parents' bed and wait for my bedtime story. They were almost always the same kind of story, and almost never from an actual book. My dad would make one up on the spot just for me. I would listen as the words he said painted the most vived pictures and imagine that I was actually there. By the end, I was already nearly half asleep and dreaming of the places he talked about.
I had been thinking about these little stories the other day and wondered what they would look like if I wrote them out. Seeing as this week I'm focusing on writing, I figured it would be a good opportunity to stretch my memory muscle as well as my creative one. Even just remembering the stories themselves got me excited to write one out and see if I could recall all the little details. It brought back the magic of laying in bed and having someone tell you of a faraway land in their very best narrator voice and thinking, that if you believed so, one day you would grow up and really be able to live there. And so, without any further ado, here is a very short version of my favorite childhood bedtime story:
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful princess. She dressed in the finest gowns made of the softest silk and the smoothest satin. Her castle had hundreds of rooms and secret hiding spots, perfect for playing hide and seek. The princess loved to look out from the tallest tower's windows and see the dense forest that stretched out in every direction. She would imagine all the adventures that awaited her out among those trees.
The princess also had very many horses, always nicely groomed and ready to be saddled for her. She loved to ride them most everyday, but had never had enough courage to go riding alone in the forest.
One day, however, she mustered up the strength to take her favorite horse and finally see all the magic that was sure to be out in all those grand trees. Sure enough, in no time at all, she found herself happily galloping through the magnificent forest she had always wanted to see for herself. Trotting along, the princess came upon many creatures she had learned all about in the books she was always reading, but had never met in face to face. Luckily, they were all very nice creatures, so she didn't have to worry too much.
After a great deal of time spent in the wonderful forest, the princess decided it was time to go back to castle. She was so worn out that, when she arrived, the princess simply took her horse back to the stables, and went straight to bed.

A Very Important Letter

This is a letter I wrote today to Sarai. Sarai will be a year old on October 27th, but she's also moving to Seattle next week. I watched her all summer long and felt the need to write her this to let her know how important she is to me.


Dearest Sarai,

Right now, you may or not remember me, but I certainly know you. You are the sweet little girl that stole my heart this past summer. I was fortunate enough to spend day after day with you, watching you grow up right before my eyes. We played with your favorite toys, like your kitty keyboard that could almost always distract you in case you realized Mommy or Daddy had left the room. We went on long walks with you in your stroller, falling asleep in no time, clutching darling little Blue. We watched endless hours of My Little Pony, and remembering how you liked to dance to the theme song still makes me smile. I was there to see you learn how to walk, and how to get right back up when you would fall. I comforted you when you were cutting teeth, always keeping extra pacifiers in the freezer for you. Lunchtime may have been messy, but it was still fun to watch you decide if you liked a new food, although sweet potatoes was always your favorite.

But my most treasured memories spent with you, little Sarai, was rocking you to sleep. Even though it may have taken a little while, and even though you could really put up a fight, watching you drift off and look so peaceful made my heart melt every time.

Although I won't see very often anymore, you'll always be the little girl who never made my summer job feel like a job at all. There's nothing I would have rather been doing.

Finally, the last thing I want to let you to know is how special your mom is to me. A mentor, teacher, friend, and the coolest employer I've ever had. She has been the most influencial human being that I have been blessed with in my life, and you are so lucky to have her as a mother. She loves you more than you could ever know, but she does everything she can to show you. I can be sure of this, because it's how she feels towards all of us at youth group. I'm incredibly sad to see her leave, but I'm also excited for all of the Stan family on their new adventure.

I hate goodbyes, so I'll end this letter with a simple see you later.

So, Monkeydoodles, I'll be seeing you later.



Love Always,

Erin

Along this Week...

During this week, I'm working on trying to write everyday. Below is a poem I wrote on Monday:

He gently cradled my face
in his steady hands.
His lips brushed my forehead,
His words washed over me,
soothing my worrisome heart.
They gave me comfort and
filled me with hope.
The entire world
melted away by only
his voice.
And so, through the tears,
I smiled and I kissed him.
For the soft whisphers
he spoke,
Held only truth.
And the truth is all
I will ever need.

Week One Report on the (Happiness Project) Project

Okay, so this week didn't exactly pan out like I wanted. Although I wanted to focus mainly on school, that proved difficult when I only had classes three of the five days. On Tuesday, I had an IB SL work day and Wednesday, I went on a college visit to Northwest Missouri State University. So I suppose, if you want to be technical, those days did in fact focus on school. I got a lot of work done on Tuesday for the three IB classes I’m taking, and at NWMSU, I realized how much I would like going to school there. Northwest has been the only school to make me rethink going to K-State, which is where I've always seen myself going for college. Northwest has nice amenities, closer to home, (which I haven’t decided yet as a pro or con) and the tuition is about half as much. All I know for sure at this point is that I have some serious thinking to do.

As for the other aspects of the first week of the (Happiness Project) Project, I think I’m doing pretty well. I’ve been keeping up with all my homework, although getting out of a procrastination habit has been a little difficult. Just sitting on the couch seems like a much better alternative, but I know that if I wait I’ll just find more reasons not to do it. Such as on Thursday, I knew I needed to practice for the chair placement auditions that evening, so I brought home my clarinet and actually got it out and practiced for roughly an hour and a half to prepare. I was much less nervous for the audition than if I hadn't practiced first.

The one part of my plan I haven’t spent too much time on keeping things tidy. I managed to clear off my desk that was littered with papers and other various junk to make room for my new desktop computer my dad received from someone who was no longer interested in it. However, past that, I really haven’t touched my room.

One thing I have been enjoying is getting enough sleep. No, I haven’t gotten a full eight hours every day, but I do pay more attention to when I’m going to bed. Waking up after a good night’s sleep is wonderful and I have a much more relaxed start to my day. I took Rubin’s advice to go to bed as soon as you feel tired, so on Thursday, I went to my room at 8:30 and turned off the lights, which is also something she recommended. I applied this from her book, because she started her project with boosting her energy, so I knew it would be a good idea to start getting more sleep right off the bat. 

As a side note, I have also been keeping up on the mini-project I set up for all three weeks where I write down all the happy and/or good things that happen. Haidt talks about how no one person is an island, and so people need people. Nearly the entire contents of my jar is related to others and when I've spent time with them. It's becoming obvious that I'm going to need another jar before too long.

TAG Post #1

For those of you who haven’t read any previous posts, (assuming there’s people out there actually reading this thing) I have recently had the opportunity to read Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project via the Talented and Gifted class I’m taking. This wonderful memoir tells of a wife and mother of two, and her year’s journey to becoming happier. Rubin knows she is already happy, but thinks she isn’t as happy as she could be. So she sets off with a plan for 12 months that has several resolutions, focusing on one per month. In accordance with this setup, my next project in TAG will have me spend three weeks to make me happier than I already am, with one resolution per week.

For the first week of this (Happiness Project) Project, I will focus on prioritizing my life. I hope to accomplish a more relaxing state of mind and be more peaceful with whatever may happen in the weeks to come. Firstly, I need to make sure school comes first. Being a senior, I have no time to sit and waste away time I should be using to complete homework. Secondly, I have got to become more organized. My room is currently messier than my boyfriend’s… Which is certainly saying something. Cleaning it up and keeping it tidy will help me succeed with becoming more peaceful. It’s easier to get frustrated when mounds of clothes and piles of papers everywhere are distracting me. Lastly, I will be ordering myself to sleep more. I know what you must be thinking: What teenager could possibly need more sleep when they’re taking three IB classes and has early morning sectionals and desperately trying to keep up with hours of homework every night? Well, lemme tell ya, this girl will be laying down some new rules. I will be attempting to get a full 8 hours of sleep each night. Crazy as it may seem, not being incredibly tired all the time is sure to boost my happiness.

During the second week of this project, I’m going to be doing a lot more of what I love most: Writing! It’s always been a passion of mine, but it feels like I can’t find the time for it anymore. Considering I plan to major in English Literature in college, I wanted to spend some time dusting off my creative writing skills and improving them as well. So, everyday, I am going to try to spend time writing, whether it be poems, stories, or reflections. While writing, I’m going to “forget results”, another point made by Rubin in the book. I won’t edit myself or over-think anything I’m writing- I’ll just write. Another important aspect to being a good writer is being a good reader, which happens to be another favorite pastime of mine, and so I’m also going to try and read a good chunk out of the book I’ve been trying to finish for quite sometime, Inkdeath. Perhaps another goal will even be to finish it…

Finally, the last week of the (Happiness Project) Project will be all about gratitude. I love helping others, but it can be hard to remember to be thankful for what others do to help me or what I have that I take for granted. To accomplish being more thankful, I’m going to start something that will span over all three weeks. Using an idea from Pinterest, I’m going to write down all the good things that happen over the next few weeks and keep them in a jar. At the end of the project, I’ll open it and, voila, instant happiness! This way, I can reflect on the good that’s happened and be able to overlook any mishaps that happened along the way. Another thing I’m going to try to do everyday is to write a little encouraging note and give it to someone different each time. This way, I can show my appreciation for them and also increase their happiness as well, because who doesn’t love getting a cute little note randomly in their day?

Welp, that’s it; My (Happiness Project) Project in a nutshell. I’m very optimistic about this project and looking forward to being even happier than I already am at the end of these three weeks.

The Days are Long

Thanks partially to genetics, I have a pretty short temper. I'm easily annoyed and I can promise you I won’t keep it to myself. In any type of upsetting situation, my most likely reaction will to huff in irritation, respond with a snarky attitude, and leave the room as soon as possible. My brain just doesn't want to deal with it, so it tunes out any logic and immediately makes excuses for my actions.

Feeling like I'm caught in a catch-22, I constantly get frustrated when I find myself getting frustrated so damn easily. I get down on myself for being so pessimistic and complaining so often to others. I think I need to vent, so I text someone- usually without realizing that's all I ever do when I text them. I not only keep myself in a bitter mood, but I keep those I spout off to under pressure to make me feel better. Even when they give great advice, if it isn't what I want to hear, I continue to complain anyway. Feeling like a burden leads to the thought that I should just keep to myself and seem like I'm okay, even though I'm not.

Enter from stage right, Gretchen Rubin.

Rubin is the author of The Happiness Project, a memoir over the course of a year where she tackles a new resolution to make herself happier every month. What I find most inspiring is the honest, real feeling you get when reading this book. Rubin doesn't succeed right off the bat on most of her resolutions, and writing about the struggle and what she's learning from it gives a sense of hope to me. Why would I want to read a book that tells me a story of a woman with a great life who sets out to be happier, and achieves even more greatness on her first try? That would be discouraging and I'd give the book up within the first few chapters.

Pushed to do so by the book, I asked myself the million-dollar question: Was I happy?

Now, I have a pretty darn good life. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and two parents who are still married. I have two brothers, neither one suffering from any detrimental disease. I have fantastic friends who will listen to me rant at no end time and time again. I have the most caring man I have ever met to call my own. So why was I asking myself if I was happy? Yeah, I would have to for the class, but I also needed to for my own sake. I wouldn’t want to continue whatever I was doing if it wasn’t making me happy.

And, in fact, I am happy. I haven’t always been able to say that, and sometimes it can still seem easier to be the Debbie Downer. If I learned anything from The Happiness Project, it was that people find it’s less of a hassle to just be sad. But Rubin also brought up the point that being happy doesn’t always mean feeling happy.

My favorite realization I took away from The Happiness Project is remembering that the days are long, but the years are short. Rubin took it as to mean that it reminds her to stay in the moment and not let her life, and especially the life of her kids, pass her by. To me, it also means something else at this point in my life. Even though I think high school is never going to end and time apart from my friends in college will be unbearable, all that I aim for and life after school will be here before I see it coming. And I want it that way. I want the time everyone tells me I should enjoy to go by quickly. Maybe my senior year should be the best time of my life right now… But why would I want the highest points to always be in high school? Peaking when I’m only 17, 18 years old would be disheartening.

Although the “real world” can be damn scary at times, more often than not, I wish I could be there. To be living away from my parents, supporting myself, and making my own life decisions sounds just too good to be so far away. 

Mysterious Still

Remember when I said God works in mysterious ways? I wasn't kidding.

It's not a big secret (although I don't usually go around publicizing it) that I don't like living in my house very much. Without divulging into all the hairy details, I'll just say I'm not too happy when I have to be here.

Luckily for me, I have people standing by me to always listen to me rant and tell me what I need to hear... Which isn't always what I want to hear, but still for the better. God’s always been able to amaze me with putting just the right people in my life at just the right time. Another stroke of luck has been finding someone even closer than a best friend. I’ve been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend, (which doesn’t seem like a strong enough word to describe him in the slightest) for almost seven months now. Having a level of support that a relationship can give has been such a blessing. Sometimes, though, I feel as if I burden him too much with what I think are petty worries. It always seems that I end up feeling bothersome when I go to a friend, whether it’s my boyfriend or someone else, more and more often with my troubles, but I also can't always keep my pain to myself. (Besides, they say it's not good for one's complexion. But I digress.)

Back to that whole mysterious thing I had started with.

At times, all I want to do is sit in my room and sulk. Wallow in self-pity and cry until there's nothing left. But at other times, I'm reminded that I'm not the only human hurting, and certainly not hurting nearly as much. Tonight, a friend I've had for years, but haven't been keeping in touch with very well, said they needed to talk to someone. As I listened to what they had to say and their situation, I couldn't help but realize how good I have it; A roof over my head, food on the table, parents still married, an amazing job, a loving boyfriend who I wouldn’t trade for anything, a good education, a bright future… Etcetera etcetera.

Yes, it's important to know I'm not happy all the time, and yes, it's important to know I shouldn't have to live with this. However, it's equally as important, even more important, that I know how blessed I am. How incredibly thankful I should be to God for giving me what I have, and even what I've had and lost.

A conversation like the one I had tonight with my friend is one of the reasons why I hold so tightly to my faith. Why, every time I pray, I pray thanks. Even if I'm so mad with my dad, my brother, or another friend, I still pray thanks for them. I've tried not to before, but I just can't seem to go without acknowledging my appreciation for how my life is going so far, even if I'm not happy with it. One day I might or might not realize why things have worked out as they have, but I've also already admitted I'm okay with not understanding. All I know for certain is that God takes care of us as he sees fit. He gives us what we need. Nothing more, nothing less. All we can do is pray for the wisdom to know how to survive everyday with as much life in us as possible and to give Him all the glory while doing it.

Leave it at the Door

I hate it when I don't get enough sleep. I hate when I've had an argument with a friend. I hate when I feel alone, even though I know I have plenty of people I can always talk to. I hate being interrupted when I'm reading. I hate disappointing people.
But none of that matters in a performance.
Focusing on everything that went wrong in my day won't do me or the audience any good. I end up going through the motions, and not feeling the message we're giving. I shake it all off in greenroom and leave at the door of the sanctuary. Our concert isn't about me. It's about praising God, and how could I do that if all I can think about is how mad I am? I need to be in the moment, listening to the dialogues and connecting to our songs.
So I don't care how tired I am. I don't care what words were said. I don't care what someone thought of me. I don't care that my feet ache or my head hurts. I just don't care, because up there, nothing else matters.

Schnikes

There are a lot things I want in life. I want to go to the college of my dreams. I want to do nothing but sit and devour all the books I possibly could. I want a new laptop. I want my hair to not drive me crazy everyday. I want to know I'll have a good future. I want someone to love me always and never falter. I want, I want, I want...
But what about what I need?
Well, I need food. And shelter. And a caring environment. And faith. But I also need those moments that make me remember why I'm here.
Sunday was the second day of tour and that evening New G performed our fifth time within a 24-hour period. Needless to say, we were all exhausted, but during rehearsal Bemo, (our director) had us run through Down to the River to Pray, my personal favorite song to sing. However, this time we added another verse where the entire chorus sang. Usually, we have a soloist at the beginning, then we grow to three singing (all a Capella), then more stand, turn, and raise our heads to look up and away, our attention held securely by the Lord. By the fourth verse, the entire group is standing and singing out, then we all slowly fade out after that one verse and the soloist is left to sing the final line of the song. This time, though, we came back with all the heart and strength we could conjure up within us. As we practiced it, I could tell this would be the moment to beat in our performance. And yet I had no clue the impact it would have on me when it came time to actually deliver.
It started out as always, peaceful and wondrous, as the majority of the group stayed seated and turned around on the risers. I stood up to come in with a selected few for the second verse, and held my chin high and tried to convey the meaning behind the words in my eyes and face as best I could. And then it came time for everyone else to stand up beside me. Our voices ebbed and flowed through the chorus, building the anticipation for the verse of sinners. What happened next was purely subliminal.
We hit the audience with full force and I could feel every note, every syllable, every ounce of power we had coming over and through me. At that moment, I couldn't think of anything except how wonderful it is to feel the presence of God and to be shaken by Him right to my core, to my soul.
I felt invincible.

We Aren't Superheroes

Being in New G has opened several doors for me. It has allowed me to learn a new way of becoming closer to God. It has given me opportunities to make new friends and get to know friends I already had even more. And if all this happens just during the school year, it is multiplied even more so during summer sing outs and on tour. Although I did have bittersweet feelings about going on this year's tour, because so many of the people I went with last year were not coming back.

Actually, I've felt bittersweet about a lot going on in my life in recent months. My grandma moved out of the house where a good chunk of my childhood took place. Several of my close friends graduated from high school and are heading off to college. I'm going about to start my senior year of high school. I have to make decisions about what I want to do and where I'm going after I graduate.

All these things either scare me to death or make me long for the days where all I had to worry about was who I was going to sit next to during lunch or whose house the sleepover was going to be this coming weekend. But worrying about all this won't get me anywhere. Worry and anxiety can only lead to more worries and a whole lot more anxiety.

I bring this up because it ties so perfectly with the Sermon in Song's message this year: Definitions. You have to decide how to handle a situation. You decide how it will affect you. You decide how to define the moment, instead of letting the moment define you.

And in some moments, you have to learn to let go, and give it up to God. We aren't made to be invincible. We aren't made to be superheroes. But we could be. Just let God in, and we could be.

Mysteries

I didn't intend on having this blog be all about my views on faith, but a lot of my thoughts are tied together and it makes up so much of who I am, that I can't help but have it show through my writing.

A year ago I was sitting in the same kind of place I am now. In an airline-like seat, listening to a road trip playlist, while surrounded by nearly 100 of my peers making our way around the country. The New G summer tour. I was so excited to be going for the first time last July. I had paid every penny myself of the $700 required to go and received another $350 for food and other things from a scholarship they offer to kids who need a little extra help.
That year we were headed to New York City, a placed I'd only dreamed of being able to go to someday. The anticipation grew, and finally the day to leave had come. I had thought so much of the fun things I'd see and places we would go that I had forgotten the reason of our mission: To praise God and spread his word through song. I wish I had stuck to this more closely, but if I've learned anything over the years, it's to not dwell on the past and what I cannot change.
Now, a year later, I sit on a Heartland bus identical to ones from last tour, and think through what all has happened in the past two days, and also in the past several months, and how my life could never be the same. A deeper faith, a wider outlook on the future, and a love so strong when I think of it you could knock me over with a feather.
God works in mysterious ways for sure. And he definitely knows what he's doing.

Not Understanding

You turn your back on faith and you have nothing. I can't afford that. I can't afford to go through life thinking I can do it all on my own. I need God to be there for me, to be my rock and my light.

Although it can be difficult believing in something you can't see or know everything about, that's part of why I love religion and having faith. I don't want to know everything. Having that mystery is actually comforting. I don't have to understand everything about God to understand that he's always here.

One More Go

I've tried to keep on writing a blog before, but never have been able to continue it. Now, as I'm about to start my senior year of high school, I realize I have so much to say and so many ideas I want to share with those who just might be reading these blogs. So here I am, all of me and nothing but. I hope you enjoy what I have to share. And if you don't... Oh well. This is more for of my own happiness than anything else.